A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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