I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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