This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize