I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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