She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
