I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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