i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
