Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
