Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
