She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize