the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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