Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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