I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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