I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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