Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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