i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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