He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
