is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
