The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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