There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
