I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
