I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
