Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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