Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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