i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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