You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
