whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
