i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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