I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
