I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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