remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
