Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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