I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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