So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
