I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
