Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
