Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
