i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
