my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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