Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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