you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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