EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
