did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
