apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
time to smoke my breakfast
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
