remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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