They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
