I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
And then my night got REAL pukey
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
