i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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