A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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