Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
