just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
