Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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