our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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