i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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