proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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