I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
