Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
