Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
