i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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